Rocco

I'm trying to get him up the 2 steps of my back porch and he looks at me like he doesn't know me, like I intend on hurting him. His running creates an acute pain in his right hind leg and sends him screaming, blind and frantic into the kitchen where he's cornered. I catch up to him and try to massage what seems to be sciatica of the unbearable kind.
Anyone who's had a suffering dog knows the pain I've experienced for the past month. Sleepless nights, self-doubt about treatment and prevention, frustration with vets and endless worry when leaving them alone. My first dog, an 8 year old Italian Greyhound is the apple of my eye, and I am his. He's always had low pain tolerance and sensitivity to drugs, not a good combination. After losing his vision at about age 5, he has run into things and jammed his back numerous times, but this is the worst I've ever seen him. I always said if this chow-hound ever lost interest in food, I would be worried. And I am.
The MRI shows his disc compression between the lumbar and sacral, probably needing surgical decompression. Well-meaning friends give advice on all the non-traditional ways we can help him, but the dog-owners who've walked this path all tell me that Dr. Berry, the veterinary neurologist we met last week, is the best in the area. I make a note to myself that unsolicited advice is neither comforting nor helpful in a friend's time of crisis. A simple "I'm sorry" will do.
The pain patch Dr. Berry prescribed for Rocco in the mean time has given me my dog back to some degree. He wags his tail, wants food, and even licks his sibling dogs a bit.
Mani the Chihuahua has once again established his role as Doggie Florence Nightingale. He steers clear when Rocco's pain seems intense and when it subsides, he gently places himself nearby for a snuggle, being careful to give Rocco space. A deep sigh reveals the patient's appreciation for the company and consoling. 

Daymakers

Some anniversaries aren't happy, and Thanksgiving is one of those times for me. Instead of giving in to the gloominess of thinking on those I've lost, I try to think about how I'll feel about my life at the end of it. Will I be joyful and satisfied that I've lived a fulfilling life?
I just finished reading a book by another hairstylist, David Wagner, who has a good handle on the big picture and what's important. His book, "Life as a Daymaker-How to Change the World by Making Someone's Day," speaks to my soul about keeping my priorities straight.
One of my favorite quotes in the book is by Dr. Martin Luther King. "Everybody can be great, because anybody can serve. You only need a heart full of grace."
This has never been more true for me than when I'm taking Mani to see patients. When I went this morning, I wasn't in the mood. When I encountered an employee at the hospital telling me to get out of her way, I wanted to turn around and leave. The first floor we visited didn't have one patient who wanted to see us, and I almost left at that point. But my prayer that morning was that I would touch at least one person's heart, so I had to try the next floor. A few of the nurses gave Mani some love, and I was encouraged. Then we entered a room with a patient whose sweet face lit up, and I knew my prayer had been answered. She told me about all the dogs she'd had the opportunity to care for in her long life, and how much it made her day to spend some time with this sweet little dog.
I often think about the day Mani came into our lives, and what a daymaker he is, and I'm happy to be of service.

http://www.daymakermovement.com/

My Time at Esalen

Dancing at Bhaktifest

I arrived feeling road-dazed and a tiny bit lonely. The woman at the front desk was so welcoming, I booked my massage with the recommended “Carl” and walked around the grounds. As I sat overlooking the ocean, I rested my head back and above me circled a hummingbird. I breathed a little easier. 

After orientation with Michael & Anneli, the leaders of the workshop, I knew I was right where I needed to be. Some of the other students had come from much farther, and with much more courage than it took for me. As much as I needed to be there for me, I needed to be there for them. 

My first time in the renowned “clothing optional” hot springs, I was warned if I had a bathing suit on I would draw more attention to myself. I took a deep breath and was thankful I didn’t know anyone. I could tell there were other first-timers, and when others are in the same boat, it’s much easier. It’s a good metaphor for vulnerability, after all aren’t we most vulnerable when we’re naked?

By the first dance I knew I was home. The youngest of 7 girls, I grew up learning and reveling in the dances of my sisters. It was my time to connect and feel equal. The sisterhood translated at the workshop and the sense of community I felt was overwhelming. I let myself go, entrusted my fellow dancers with my true self, held nothing back. Being received and embraced for exactly who and where I am was so humbling and powerful. 

It seemed like any time I started to feel alone, I would reach out to a new girlfriend, or she would reach out to me, and we’d chat and laugh and be still together. It was a lesson in Providence. When we humble ourselves and open our hearts, we will feel that sense of kinship that we so often crave.

By the time I had to say goodbye, I was heartsick. And yet I knew the change had happened inside of me. It wasn’t the new friends who made me whole, it was my own shift. My heart is gratefully open, and while it may ebb and flow, I would not have gotten here without the beautiful souls I met at Esalen.

today

Today would have been Cindy's 46th birthday. Early in our friendship, we both knew each other's birthday months but kept forgetting the actual day. I came up with a trick and told her "just think 7-11." Hers was the 7th of March, mine was the 11th of August. If she wasn't on a ski trip with her brothers, we would be celebrating with lunch and a movie, or maybe a hike. I still miss her, but I'm getting used to it.

Instead, I'm getting ready for my bi-monthly dog therapy visit to Anaheim Regional. I'll be a little melancholy, but by the time I leave I'll feel better that I'm contributing to the community.

That's all, I just wanted to post something today. xoxo

yogurt

In the spirit of my late friend, I am done talking about the void and on to talking about the abundance in my life. Since my last (and long ago) entry, I have visited Cindy's West Coast friends and family-in-law as well as the place she and Bruce left the planet. That trip left me with such a resolution and peace, I have been lax in my writing. So I'm switching gears and sharing things that I know she would enjoy, like making my own yogurt.
Tim and I do an annual "cleanse" of our diets to let go of addictions (coffee and chocolate) and explore forgotten healthier food choices (beets and greens). In this process we've discovered the joy of making our own yogurt. The machine is made by a Quebec company called Yogourmet and it requires heating milk to 180 degrees, cooling to 110, mixing the powder (containing probiotics) and into the machine it goes. It's so tasty with a little honey and fruit!
Another discovery we've made is milk delivery. Rockview Dairy (from my old stomping grounds in Downey, CA) still makes home deliveries, along with CSA baskets from  Tanaka Farms in Irvine. I'm not sure when we get our first delivery, but it feels like we're traveling back in time!
I feel so much better about myself when I'm doing things that are good for me, I just wish I could bottle up that energy (or whatever it is that helps me make better choices) and bring it out when I'm in the give-in-to-my-cravings mode. The funny thing is, poor choices beget worse choices and wiser actions beget better behavior. I guess it's all about finding the balance!