from doing to being

I have been trying to write this blog for a week now. Last Wednesday, I helped Cindy and Bruce's families empty the house. One of the most difficult things about this for me is letting go of my role in this tragedy. It became clear to me shortly after losing my friends that I had a job to do in assisting the families as much as I could (which didn't seem like much, but it was a job nonetheless). As long as I had this task at hand, I could focus my energy and grief on taking care of things. Watering plants, checking messages, little things.

Now, the house is empty and my own house has pieces of Cindy and Bruce throughout. I love having some of their things, not only because they're nice things, but because I'm reminded of who they were and what they meant to me. But my role is finished now, and so I must just be and not do.

When I think back on all this tragedy, I am amazed at how quickly I have bonded with all the important people in their lives. Part of this is because I've heard so many stories about them, I feel like I've known them before I ever met them. Part of my bond is because we are naturally drawn to people who are like our loved ones. That's why Cindy was so at home with my mom and family. But there is also this part of us that learns how to be better when we suffer and endure, and that breaks our walls down and allows the love to flow.

My own family had a rare moment of genuine laughter shortly after my mom passed, and we were watching an old family movie that my brother made. I think about that night fondly, because our defenses were down and we were just sharing the moment, however bittersweet.

I am grateful for the tight bonds I have in my life. Those nearest and dearest to me who have seen me through the best and the worst. And I'm also grateful for the new friends I have because of our shared loss. What a gift!

long time friends

I spent last weekend with my girlfriend Carol, whom I met in the 8th grade. I had no recollection that we had met at a roller rink the year before we actually went to school together, but my 9th grader self wrote it in her freshman yearbook to enlighten me.

The thing about spending time with someone you've known all your life (or most of it) is that it doesn't matter what kind of life philosophy, political opinion, or religious views you have, you can still giggle and confide and find solace in knowing someone and being known. I spent time with her family and got to witness first-hand what a great mom she is and how amazing her kids are (and hubby too).

For whatever reason, I haven't kept many friends from my childhood so I always give her credit for keeping us connected. I've gotten better about it over the years, but in the early days I was not easy to contact.

Honestly, I have not had a good record of spending time with my girlfriends. I've always got some project, degree or dog event going and my down time is spent with Tim. I have one of those rare husbands who likes to do things I like to do. Hiking, yoga, museums, plays. I'm not bragging, I'm just saying it doesn't leave much time for the girls. My last conversation with Cindy was about this exactly. I was frustrated that every time she tried to plan something with me, I had something else going on. I REALLY wanted to do all these things she was suggesting, Japanese spa, movie, marathon. I just had something else on the calendar.

I really am blessed to have this life. I want to do so many things, go so many places, hang out with so many people, there's just not enough hours in the day.