from doing to being

I have been trying to write this blog for a week now. Last Wednesday, I helped Cindy and Bruce's families empty the house. One of the most difficult things about this for me is letting go of my role in this tragedy. It became clear to me shortly after losing my friends that I had a job to do in assisting the families as much as I could (which didn't seem like much, but it was a job nonetheless). As long as I had this task at hand, I could focus my energy and grief on taking care of things. Watering plants, checking messages, little things.

Now, the house is empty and my own house has pieces of Cindy and Bruce throughout. I love having some of their things, not only because they're nice things, but because I'm reminded of who they were and what they meant to me. But my role is finished now, and so I must just be and not do.

When I think back on all this tragedy, I am amazed at how quickly I have bonded with all the important people in their lives. Part of this is because I've heard so many stories about them, I feel like I've known them before I ever met them. Part of my bond is because we are naturally drawn to people who are like our loved ones. That's why Cindy was so at home with my mom and family. But there is also this part of us that learns how to be better when we suffer and endure, and that breaks our walls down and allows the love to flow.

My own family had a rare moment of genuine laughter shortly after my mom passed, and we were watching an old family movie that my brother made. I think about that night fondly, because our defenses were down and we were just sharing the moment, however bittersweet.

I am grateful for the tight bonds I have in my life. Those nearest and dearest to me who have seen me through the best and the worst. And I'm also grateful for the new friends I have because of our shared loss. What a gift!